The Beginning
On the eve of President Elect Obama’s inauguration, and given the current Illinois politics mess, I thought I would regale yall with a heart warming tale of polish sausage, dirty public sex, wife beating, and above all dumb fucking luck.
Go way back to 1991 and Jack Ryan, a Goldman Sach’s investment banker got married to Jeri Ryan. Now for all you non-trekkies out there, Jeri Ryan is a hot piece of ass who was brought on as midseason eye candy for the terrible Star Trek Voyager in 1997. They were totally shameless about it too, parading her around skin tight catsuits and shit, but hey you didn’t hear little 14 year old jimmy complaining or the other bevy of Jeri Ryan/7-of-9 fans.
Anyways, like any good future Republican Jack Ryan was busy trying to nail his hot star trek wife in public sex clubs around the country, a bit of perversion that eventually led to their divorce in 1999. Now, these divorce records were supposed to have been sealed, which brings us to the next chapter of the story.
Enter the Good Barack
In 2004, the Democratic senator from Illinois Peter Fitzgerald announced his retirement. A slew of candidates on both sides of the aisle emerged, namely Barack Obama in the left and Jack Ryan on the right. Barack was actually trailing at first in the primaries to Blair Hull, a wealthy options trader who was caught up in a wife-beating scandal and who eventually lost the primary to Barack.
Jack Ryan won the Republican primary handily and the 2004 race for the Illinois senate seat was underway. The Chicago Tribune at the time was aggressively pursuing the unsealing of Ryan’s divorce records, which he agreed to, under the condition that the custody records remain sealed. Well, long story short, they didn’t, and it became public knowledge that the good Mr. Ryan wanted to pork the lovely Mrs. Ryan with a few dozen onlookers and well, wouldn’t you? He resigned from the race in shame, leaving Barack unopposed.
What now?
The Illinois GOP was left scrambling in order to find a replacement to run against Barack. Jack Ryan had been trailing Obama by about 10 points and they just couldn’t find anybody to run against him. They even sought out the great Coach Mike Ditka, a self described “ultra-ultra-ultra conservative” to run against him, but he refused on the grounds that 1) his wife didn’t want to and 2) he was busy running his chain of restaurants: Ditka’s.
In their desperation, the GOP turned to a man they didn’t fully understand, Mr. Alan Keyes. Now if you follow politics at all you know this man is a joke, and he was trounced rightfully so by Barack Obama, something like 70%-30%. Now, thanks to this huge margin of defeat, Obama was invited to speak at the 2004 Democratic convention, which thrust him into the spotlight and eventually led the way for his presidential run and victory.
So tomorrow…
When you watch that man put his hand on the bible and take the oath of the greatest office in this country, think about the bizarre path he has had to take. Democrats can thank YARP (yet another republican perv) for paving the way, and Republicans, well, maybe next time leave a trail of Levitra for Ditka to follow and he’ll do what you want.