Entries Tagged 'nerd shit' ↓

I kept thinking that I would write some big badass blog post becuase it had been so long since my last one, but then that time grew and my badass post never materialized so you get this groveling mess instead.  Today is 4/20 and I put out a new EP:

MP3

WAV

I had a bunch of little things floating around my ableton directory, so I decided before I move into stately Gallagher Manor and really turn the heat up on this music business I would kinda clean house and get all this ridiculousness out there.  So yea I’m moving, my giant corporate company got bought out, and I released an EP.  THE END.  FOR NOW.

Ok this might ruffle a few feathers out there in TV land, but there comes a time when we must stop being children and grow into adulthood.  Last night I decided to catch an episode of LOST after (wisely) ditching the show in the 2nd season.  And what was I greeted with?

TIME TRAVEL, YEA!

Have you no shame, LOST?  Any right thinking person knows that when you start getting into time travel, your series is fucked.  You fucked up, wrote yourself into some shitty plothole, now you have to send your characters flying through time to get your stupid ass out.  They even have the gall to call it a “temporal shift”, have you assholes not seen the last episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation? This is all you have for me after 5 fucking years, a whole series that has evolved into the last episode of TNG?

I suppose it is not their fault, Star Trek has already told every story there ever was and then some.  It is the same reason I won’t go see that dumbass Benjamin Button movie.  Oh he ages backwards?  You mean Star Trek Voyager, season 2 episode 22 where they land on some shitty moon and it has aliens that age backwards?

Ok LOST fans it isn’t your fault that you your shitty show can’t compete with 716 episodes of pure perfection that is ST, but seriously, grow up.  Your show sucks and is for children.

***********secret message***********

I’m just scared about the new movie

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So yesterday I picked up Street Fighter 4 dutifuly as the good nerd I am.  In case you fucking suck and don’t know what I’m talking about, SF4 is the latest edition in a series of fighting games going back 20 years.  In case you really suck, a fighting game is where there are two dudes and they karate and shoot fireballs and shit at each other until one dies.  Anyways the newest Street Fighter is fucking awesome except for one tiny detail that fills me with such nerd rage, I had to start a blog about it.

The last boss, as in any game worth its salt, is fucking IMPOSSIBLE.  I shouldn’t say impossible, because I manged to beat him once as ryu (while wearing the headband of course), however I have not been able to beat him since.  This is him: his name is Seth:

BWAHAHAHA

Ok so first of all what kind of shitty supervillian name is Seth?  Back in the day the last boss used to be M. Bison and he ruled because he was all business.  Anyways so when you face Seth you have to fight him in two rounds, the first one is easy and goes by pretty quickly but then he gets up and says some cliche shit like “LET ME SHOW YOU MY TRUE POWER, BKJWJKAKFWEF”

So yea, he does his thing and then transforms to THE CHEAPEST MOTHERFUCKER THAT EVER EXISTED IN ANY GOD DAMN GAME EVER.  So basically this guy’s M.O. is that he has every character’s strongest moves.  Oh and he can teleport.  Oh and he has moves that are unblockable.  Oh and he laughs at you every time he does his little teleport.  Oh and as he is getting low on health the whole damn stage starts to go crazy.  Oh and he also has this move where he shouts “BECOME A PART OF ME” and he sucks you into his gaping man-hole and then proudly jizzes you out onto the screen like some sort of meta-sexual rape machine (also unblockable).  I tried to beat him with Ken for like 3 hours yesterday, just getting laughed at over and over again.  I don’t know how I beat him that one time with Ryu, must have been the headband.

Oh and yea, I was playing on medium

The Beginning

On the eve of President Elect Obama’s inauguration, and given the current Illinois politics mess, I thought I would regale yall with a heart warming tale of polish sausage, dirty public sex, wife beating, and above all dumb fucking luck.

Go way back to 1991 and Jack Ryan, a Goldman Sach’s investment banker got married to Jeri Ryan. Now for all you non-trekkies out there, Jeri Ryan is a hot piece of ass who was brought on as midseason eye candy for the terrible Star Trek Voyager in 1997. They were totally shameless about it too, parading her around skin tight catsuits and shit, but hey you didn’t hear little 14 year old jimmy complaining or the other bevy of Jeri Ryan/7-of-9 fans.

Anyways, like any good future Republican Jack Ryan was busy trying to nail his hot star trek wife in public sex clubs around the country, a bit of perversion that eventually led to their divorce in 1999. Now, these divorce records were supposed to have been sealed, which brings us to the next chapter of the story.

Enter the Good Barack

In 2004, the Democratic senator from Illinois Peter Fitzgerald announced his retirement. A slew of candidates on both sides of the aisle emerged, namely Barack Obama in the left and Jack Ryan on the right. Barack was actually trailing at first in the primaries to Blair Hull, a wealthy options trader who was caught up in a wife-beating scandal and who eventually lost the primary to Barack.

Jack Ryan won the Republican primary handily and the 2004 race for the Illinois senate seat was underway. The Chicago Tribune at the time was aggressively pursuing the unsealing of Ryan’s divorce records, which he agreed to, under the condition that the custody records remain sealed. Well, long story short, they didn’t, and it became public knowledge that the good Mr. Ryan wanted to pork the lovely Mrs. Ryan with a few dozen onlookers and well, wouldn’t you? He resigned from the race in shame, leaving Barack unopposed.

What now?

The Illinois GOP was left scrambling in order to find a replacement to run against Barack. Jack Ryan had been trailing Obama by about 10 points and they just couldn’t find anybody to run against him. They even sought out the great Coach Mike Ditka, a self described “ultra-ultra-ultra conservative” to run against him, but he refused on the grounds that 1) his wife didn’t want to and 2) he was busy running his chain of restaurants: Ditka’s.

In their desperation, the GOP turned to a man they didn’t fully understand, Mr. Alan Keyes. Now if you follow politics at all you know this man is a joke, and he was trounced rightfully so by Barack Obama, something like 70%-30%. Now, thanks to this huge margin of defeat, Obama was invited to speak at the 2004 Democratic convention, which thrust him into the spotlight and eventually led the way for his presidential run and victory.

So tomorrow…

When you watch that man put his hand on the bible and take the oath of the greatest office in this country, think about the bizarre path he has had to take. Democrats can thank YARP (yet another republican perv) for paving the way, and Republicans, well, maybe next time leave a trail of Levitra for Ditka to follow and he’ll do what you want.